# Touring Rules



## Jay Ashworth (Feb 16, 2022)

Stolen from FB/Stagehand Humor; credited, but I don't know who Thor Harris is; YOHB?  Rated PG13--R for language, etc.

This came up as a memory

How to Tour in a Band or Whatever
by Thor Harris

1-Don’t Complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer. If something is wrong fix it or shut the fark up you bleeping dick. goddamn.
2-If you fart, claim it.
3-Don’t Lose crap. Everybody loses crap. Don’t bleeping do it. jerk.
4-Don’t fark anyone in the band. There are tons of people to fark who are not in this band. Dumbass.
5-If you feel like crap all the time, drink less beer at the gig. You will play better & feel better. What are you… a child? Some have the endurance for self abuse. Most don’t.
6-Remember the soundman’s name. He will do a better job.
7- Eat oranges. Cures constipation & prevents colds.
8-Masturbate. Duh… Where & when? Be creative. You’re an artist right?
9-If YOU can’t carry your suitcase 3 blocks, it’s too goddamn big.
10-Respect public space in the van. Don’t clutter, you fark.
11-If you borrow something, return it. Not Fucked Up.
12-Do not let the promoter dick you or talk you out of the guarantee. If there were not enuf people there, it’s their fault.
13- Driver picks the music.
14-One navigator only (usually sitting shotgun). Everyone else shut the fark up.
15-Soundcheck is for checking sounds. Shut the fark up while everyone else is checking.
16-Don’t wander off. Let someone know where you are.
17-Clean up after yourself. What are you… a goddamn toddler?
18-Touring makes everyone bi-polar. Ride the waves as best you can and remember, moods pass. So don’t make any snap decisions or declarations when you are drunk or insane.
19-Fast food is Poison.
20-The guestlist is for friends, family & people you might want to fark. Everyone else can pay. They have day jobs.
21- Don’t evaluate your whole life while you’re sitting in a janitor closet waiting to go on. You think you’re above having shitty days at work? Shut up & do your goddamn job.

This list was written under the influence of lots of esspresso & anti-depressants while on tour w/ such greats as Shearwater, Swans, Smog, Lisa Germano, Angels of Light, Bill Callahan & many more. I hope this list will help you get along w/ your co-workers whatever your job is. Contributions to the list by Jordan Geiger, Kimberly Burke, Brian Orloff, Brian Phillips Celebrity Gang Bang, Kevin Schneider, Jonathan Meiburg, Michael Gira and some other folks.

Thanks for not being an jerk, Thor Harris


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## Jay Ashworth (Feb 16, 2022)

My comment:

I like every part of that... except item #1. Sometimes, *it's not your thing to fix*.

If you're the guitarist, and there's a hum in the monitors, I want you to tell *me* so I can get/have it fixed; I don't want you to either shut up *or* fix it yourself.

There are probably other such issues, with, say, rigging.

Not all such reports are "whining"... though some are, and you should know the difference.


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## cbrandt (Feb 16, 2022)

Go change your socks! Your feet will thank you, your body will thank you, and your co-workers will *definitely* thank you. A new dry pair of socks is worth 4 hours of sleep.


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## MRW Lights (Feb 16, 2022)

cbrandt said:


> Go change your socks! Your feet will thank you, your body will thank you, and your co-workers will *definitely* thank you. A new dry pair of socks is worth 4 hours of sleep.



One of the greatest pieces of advice I was ever given that I gravely took for granted when I was young and naive....


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## TimMc (Feb 17, 2022)

#22 - Don't be weird. Subjective... but don't be weird considering your genre, craft, skill, or position/nature of engagement.
#23 - Don't commit felonies and expect the tour manager to throw your bail or find a lawyer for you. Don't expect to have your gig, but that's the least of your problems.
#24 - No "number 2" on the bus.
#25 - No minors on the bus, ever. Never. Nope. No guests past the forward lounge. See #23.
#26 - Border authorities have no sense of humor. Don't even think of trying to bring firearms into Canada or Mexico (see #23). Yes, there are ways but not for touring people.
#27 - If you've had #23 you will not be admitted to Canada without prior arrangements ( "criminal rehabilitation to enter Canada"); note that "felony" is defined on either side of the border - i.e. DUIs are felonies in Canada, so if your DUI in the USA was a misdemeanor.... guess what? It's a felony to Canada. You'll be off the bus and escorted to the US authorities who will have great fun with your misery. Your papers must be in order. To get back in the USA. 
#28 - What happens in the back lounge, stays in the back lounge. You have a bunk with a TV, or there is space in the forward lounge if you don't want to watch TV or play video games.


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## avkid (Feb 17, 2022)

TimMc said:


> #22 - Don't be weird. Subjective... but don't be weird considering your genre, craft, skill, or position/nature of engagement.
> #23 - Don't commit felonies and expect the tour manager to throw your bail or find a lawyer for you. Don't expect to have your gig, but that's the least of your problems.
> #24 - No "number 2" on the bus.
> #25 - No minors on the bus, ever. Never. Nope. No guests past the forward lounge. See #23.
> ...


#28 who has a tv in their bunk? I want!


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## TimMc (Feb 17, 2022)

avkid said:


> #28 who has a tv in their bunk? I want!


You need to work for a higher class of low lifes! Trust me!

It's been a few years since I've been in a bus bunk... but back in Ye Olde Dayz® each bunk had a DVD player mounted to the 'ceiling' of the bunk, with swing down screen (maybe 7" or so?) so you could watch your own choice of show when sports or video games were the main program in the back lounge. These may have reached EOL with the proliferation of personal mobile/portable devices.


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## soundman (Feb 17, 2022)

avkid said:


> #28 who has a tv in their bunk? I want!


As TimMc said they were very common for a while, often times you had a choice between the front satilite, rear satilite and a built in DVD player. I was on one bus that also had front and rear cameras you could watch during the ride. More often than not all those were good for was bashing a knee or elbow on. I'm happy they are getting phased out in place of tablet/phone holders these days.


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## avkid (Feb 17, 2022)

Seems like Wifi and USB ports replaced them..


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